of mixed metaphors and missed connections...

I wish I had written this at an earlier time, when I was still in a state when the songs made sense, you know, the ridiculous sappy ones that noone admits to listening to. The ones that you listened to as a teenager dreaming of the future. (Oh well, I admit that I still listen to them once in a while). I also wish I had written in the moments I felt secure, when I thought that what we had would last, when I thought that it made sense and the world was on my side. when I thought I could identify with the songs I heard.

Maybe I was living in a dreamworld. One which actually does not exist. One that is fuelled by those songs and the ridiculous rom-coms we talked of watching together. One in which I dreamt of living out with you. Unfortunately, the dream was not meant to be. Maybe I knew it ultimately would end this way... At the bottom of my heart I knew it wouldn't work maybe. But I had silenced that tiny part and allowed myself to hope and dream. I let myself fall... I let myself go, thinking that we both were soaring together. In my mind we were starting off to a new place together, where "everybody looks like ants".  

The sadness and loss are heart wrenching. The fact that it means I have lost the connection. Where did it go? It just evaporated all of a sudden. I don't know what that means. I have no idea what to say about it. I don't even know what to think about it. The hurt and pain when I realised I was all alone when I thought we were a team. When instead of soaring together, I was holding and dragging you down. Instead of letting you fly, I was your anchor. When I heard the phrases that in fact I had heard in the songs and the movies, but they were the ones directed towards the "wrong" person; the "before" story rather than the "happy-ever-after". I can't understand how to process it.

I know the theory better than anyone. It is never about one person-a relationship always involves two people and how they interact with each other. A relationship involves three entities-the two individuals and the relationship (as someone very wise said to me repeatedly). And the third entity never survives on its own; it cannot flourish independently of the two individuals,  Did we take that for granted? Expecting things to miraculously be okay?

The sad part now is the other songs make sense to me now, and I am not sure how to handle that. I am trying to make sense of the world again. And now the cliches come to my mind instead... "It was good while it lasted", "maybe there's a reason", "when one door closes... "

Well meaning platitudes all. however, does that help me? How do I move on? Allow the cynicism which was always there to overpower or do I continue allowing my rose-coloured glasses to tinge my world?

A Passing Phase?

I have espoused that I believe in phases in life. I know this very well in theory; however, in person this is more difficult. I think that we are constantly searching for permanence, in some way, that is what we are all looking for. Is this what makes it difficult for people to live in the moment? 

And we envy those who live what seem like idyllic lives on the outside. Those who live on beaches, Goa! the ultimate holiday destination in India. but life there must get tough as well. I imagine cleaning up difficult, all that sand everywhere... yeesh! We envy those who live in beautiful remote villages amidst nature, then remember the difficulties they face accessing the things we take for granted, like a carton of milk, or healthcare. 

A little predictable change is a good thing, meaning a vacation we plan for, a trip, a break. I love that oxymoron. Just a little bit of change. Any more than that, and we are very very flustered. That we do not like, because it means getting used to a whole new equilibrium. The process of adjusting to this involves good and bad (My training in The Systems Theory comes to mind, read up on it, people! It's an awesome way to look at the world) Back to my point, we wouldn't like things remaining permanently one way, we enjoy the change, or at least I do. I am not in a position right now to speak for others, I only speak for myself on this one. 

Life would be so boring otherwise, wouldn't it? Without the troughs and the crests.

P.S. I must be approaching a crest to be able to make that statement. 

So, here's to change and moving on to different phases and stages of life. 

Grizabella

I have such random memories; that mall where we first met. The numerous walks to nowhere; when the speed of our walking would be directly proportional to the distance from my door. The conversations we had that I no longer remember, just the look on your face; WhatsApp messages and pictures, Skype conversations to prove you were real.  Travelling around the city to meet me, reading your life story and realising how much you had gone through. Learning about how much you love your family. Seeing your talent, and enjoying the fact that you were sharing it with me. Little nicknames we had for each other. Stolen kisses and walks hand in hand. Working in the same space and stealing looks at each other. Your face lighting up with a smile.

If only it ended there. Or rather continued in the same way… would it be a story we could have shared later on? And built on these small memories that were meaningful to me. But if course, if that were true then I would not be writing this now.  And yet I am.

Why am I doing that?

Because I know myself and I know I am likely to forget the small things and remember only the feeling that I am left with. And sadly, that feeling I am left with is hurt. I want to move on, and hold on to something from what we have shared, and I do not want that feeling I hold on to to be hurt.

I am writing this to remind myself of the good times and the good feelings you brought into my life at a time of severe sadness and loneliness, the time we shared together was meaningful and as I grieve the loss of the relationship, I also rejoice in the positives I got, in the fact that I did something for myself, and for that precious moment of being together.

So, thank you for that, and for the fact that I got through it, showing that … “this too shall pass”.

Views

The bars at the window, through which I can see the light;
The tree outside, unfettered and free.
Beyond that, I can see more walls.

What should I choose to focus on?

"The Rose and the Yew Tree"

I flicked the title from Mary Westmacott. I have always loved those books, Psychologically so insightful, I will not go into a review of the books, but this particular one has always stayed with me. Is the rose worth more than the yew tree...

We appreciate the rose because we know that it will not last. That one rose that is there in the vase will stay for a while, and during that time everyone will appreciate its beauty. What meaning does it bring into someone's life? The short sweet presence of something meaningful versus the strong and long presence of something more long lasting which has more ups and downs. We may take it for granted sometimes, the shade and the succour that the tree provides.

Which is more meaningful? And which stays with you?


Edit: I reread the book and discovered that it's actually a T.S. Eliot quote "The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree are of equal duration"

Listen...

speaking
explaining
shouting
screaming
crying
begging

yet all in vain.

i try and try to no result

i'm forced to realize

and accept that i am an "i" and never an "I"

stark reality

because i am

voiceless


do YOU want to listen...

or do you not even hear me?

Jaiñkyrshah

So, this is the time when I'm supposed to be writing and finishing off work that I have been working on for the past 4.5 years... Instead other thoughts crowd my mind, and as it happens, I start missing home. This feeling may have been triggered by a parcel that reached me from home today, packed by my mom. I also had a conversation with friends about home, and once I started reminiscing about  home, I had to put this down.

When I talk about home to people here, sometimes I wonder if I am overselling the wonders of Shillong. Am I choosing to only talk about the fruits (Soh Phie, Soh Shang, Soh Phlang, Soh Manir...) and how they are easily available, plucking them off the tree in fact... Or am I talking only about the closeness to nature, the fact that I live next, yes, that's right, next to a forest... And my memories of winter holidays spent traipsing through those woods, imagining we were in an Enid Blyton story, climbing trees to get orchids (along with fruits). Or am I choosing to only talk about the 18- hole golf course which is again very close to home where we used to go on morning walks?  Or is my focus on the meats and meals that we have- smoked, salted, boiled, curried... Or the various other local delicacies?

What do I miss? The comforts? The food? The lifestyle?