push or pull?

I’ve been on the lookout for something to drive me and for me to continue working full time on the task at hand. I have been unable to do that, and it begs the question as to what it is that I’m actually searching for. As someone who has been brought up in and subscribe largely to a Christian point of view, there is a wish to know what IS my purpose in life, though I do see it at times. I see that I am in training and I see that there is work for me to do, and I need to get back home; that is the larger picture. I lose sight of it once in a while when I see the numerous small steps that need to be taken in order for me to reach that goal. The motivation for the same fluctuates, and I wonder about what it is that I am actually doing here. I have always said that I wish I had either a little more motivation or a little less. Because if it were the former then I would have finished my work by now, and if it were the latter I would not have taken it up in the first place… though this used to refer to my ambition, not motivation. There is a strong connection between the two, though one tends to lose track of it when one gets caught up by the mundane and the regular everyday life and then the motivation wanes and sometimes even drops off, and in this day and age distractions abound (Note: I’m sure distraction always existed, not necessarily only now… case in point, I am writing this instead of working!) 

It doesn’t help when I look around me because people all seem to be driven by various motives which somehow seem to have escaped me; whether it is a life event (read: Marriage) or even intrinsic ones. I don’t know what would work, I have been trying to figure out what would work for me, and somehow comparing notes does not help (Note: I suspect that was again a masterful effort to waste time- took up the better part of the morning). I imagine that one day I will suddenly have this urge to work, driven by this wonderful insight that has suddenly dawned on me, or an event which will ensure that my motivation stays and I am able to complete the tasks at hand… Then I will show the world how it is done! Then I will prove to myself that I actually should be here, and that there is a purpose to what I’m doing.

On the other hand, there is a rational part of me that says that I have been watching too many movies and that this doesn’t happen in real life. Real life is about the small routine and boring things that one has to do, like sitting and transcribing all the interviews that have been carried out, and listening to them and then actually analysing them, and not wait for the magical inspiration to suddenly appear and complete the work overnight. It involves small sustained inputs. See, this is the marvellous level of insight that I do possess about what needs to be done, the only problem is that now I need to implement it… easier said than done… as we all know…

So, as I search for this inspiration, this “eureka” moment, as despite the last paragraph I think I live in a fantasy world much more than I would like to believe, I will continue wasting time, until I find that reason, that “push” that I need. Or rather, the push that will work. Because like everyone else, I do have those reasons that say there is something that needs to be done but for some reason they do not seem to work on me. I think I will keep looking for it, though.