"The Rose and the Yew Tree"

I flicked the title from Mary Westmacott. I have always loved those books, Psychologically so insightful, I will not go into a review of the books, but this particular one has always stayed with me. Is the rose worth more than the yew tree...

We appreciate the rose because we know that it will not last. That one rose that is there in the vase will stay for a while, and during that time everyone will appreciate its beauty. What meaning does it bring into someone's life? The short sweet presence of something meaningful versus the strong and long presence of something more long lasting which has more ups and downs. We may take it for granted sometimes, the shade and the succour that the tree provides.

Which is more meaningful? And which stays with you?


Edit: I reread the book and discovered that it's actually a T.S. Eliot quote "The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree are of equal duration"

Listen...

speaking
explaining
shouting
screaming
crying
begging

yet all in vain.

i try and try to no result

i'm forced to realize

and accept that i am an "i" and never an "I"

stark reality

because i am

voiceless


do YOU want to listen...

or do you not even hear me?

Jaiñkyrshah

So, this is the time when I'm supposed to be writing and finishing off work that I have been working on for the past 4.5 years... Instead other thoughts crowd my mind, and as it happens, I start missing home. This feeling may have been triggered by a parcel that reached me from home today, packed by my mom. I also had a conversation with friends about home, and once I started reminiscing about  home, I had to put this down.

When I talk about home to people here, sometimes I wonder if I am overselling the wonders of Shillong. Am I choosing to only talk about the fruits (Soh Phie, Soh Shang, Soh Phlang, Soh Manir...) and how they are easily available, plucking them off the tree in fact... Or am I talking only about the closeness to nature, the fact that I live next, yes, that's right, next to a forest... And my memories of winter holidays spent traipsing through those woods, imagining we were in an Enid Blyton story, climbing trees to get orchids (along with fruits). Or am I choosing to only talk about the 18- hole golf course which is again very close to home where we used to go on morning walks?  Or is my focus on the meats and meals that we have- smoked, salted, boiled, curried... Or the various other local delicacies?

What do I miss? The comforts? The food? The lifestyle?

... thoughts at a window

I am sitting at a cubicle in the library wondering about how I am wasting time, doing what I'm not supposed to, and not doing what I'm supposed to, and wondering how ANYTHING gets done in this world. 

I hear construction work going on through the window, as well as birds cawing... I can hear the movement of some vehicles, as well as conversation in the distance. Here, inside the room, there are at least 20 people working, and all I can hear is the clacking of keys and the occasional turn of a page. A random sigh and dropped pen is also heard. The movement of the fan also counts as a distraction when anything and everything seems more interesting than what I am supposed to be doing. 

Will I ever finish, I wonder, or am I stuck in this "Groundhog Day" like scenario of time looping, and days running into one another... ?

Waiting

Life goes on; that much I know,
Yet it stays the same.
Do things ever change-
Or just continue?

I live in hope-
I can see it in others
All around me...
But can it be translated
Into a language I comprehend?
Or transmitted to a different frequency
That I can receive?

I also live in dread
That the world spins
And it goes on...
And on...
And on...

Signing in....

I have considered myself a feminist for a long while, taking the pains to clarify in my own mind what that means. Many people say they do not agree with the direction that feminism is headed, maybe because they see the visible and the outward expression of such beliefs as women looking for "more power" than men. And in this I include women as well as men. I come from a place where women are considered to have more power than men; in fact there is a "men's liberation" movement that is underfoot from where I come from, and I can understand and see the roots of that movement. This very background that I come from makes it more complicated for me. Maybe I'll talk about that a little later; however I'd just like to put this down that sexism and patriarchy are around us so so much, and so often we do not even realise that it has a hold on us.

This came to me very starkly tonight which is why I decided to put this down. I am living in a hostel in an institute. I have lived in hostels for the past 10 years of my life, in various parts of the country, and each place has had its own regulations that i was expected to follow, which I did. I am by nature a "good girl", I follow rules, listen to authority and sometimes to my own detriment, am unable to assert myself. However, for various reasons, internally I have always believed in the fact that I am no less than anyone else. Everyone tells me different,"You're a girl", "you're from the north east", "You're small"... and so on and so forth. I have had parents who have never let me feel less, and friends who have supported this throughout... That's not to say that I'm foolhardy... no, I'm very careful and can give anyone tips on handling themselves and ensuring that one takes care of oneself...

I'm sorry I digress( Not an unusual situation if you have ever read my blog). Anyway, back to my point... I had to move out of my hostel last year and got alternative accommodation in another hostel on campus. That used to be a co-ed hostel, however when I shifted there along with others, it housed girls and married couples. So a few men, but they were married... now earlier, given that it was a co-ed hostel, anyone could enter it (read=male & female). However, once we shifted there, we were told that we could not have male friends entering. If they were visiting the married couples, then that was fine, however no male was supposed to enter the girls' areas. never mind that these two spaces overlapped. This was however perfectly sensible to the powers that be.

Now back to tonight, I had gone out to visit a friends' place on campus and he dropped me back after i spent the evening with his family. When I entered, I was asked to sign in a register as to the time that I entered the hostel, the time I left, and the reason... This last one flabbergasted me... who decided this was something  I was supposed to share? Why was it relevant at all? Half of the time the people who go out from here are hanging out with other friends who are colleagues on the same campus. The men do NOT have to sign when they return, whatever time they do so. I on the other hand, have to sign in if I'm going for a movie, or a play, or even a work dinner...

What is the point of this? They say for security reasons? How is this register going to help anyone? if something untoward is to happen to anyone, how will this record help? Then it can be said that anyway she was someone who would go out every week? every weekend? every night? That then becomes another way by which the woman is blamed... As always, the onus is on the woman. I have to sign in...Maybe this will make me stay in more often... is this my place, anyway? safely locked up... so that no harm can befall me. 

push or pull?

I’ve been on the lookout for something to drive me and for me to continue working full time on the task at hand. I have been unable to do that, and it begs the question as to what it is that I’m actually searching for. As someone who has been brought up in and subscribe largely to a Christian point of view, there is a wish to know what IS my purpose in life, though I do see it at times. I see that I am in training and I see that there is work for me to do, and I need to get back home; that is the larger picture. I lose sight of it once in a while when I see the numerous small steps that need to be taken in order for me to reach that goal. The motivation for the same fluctuates, and I wonder about what it is that I am actually doing here. I have always said that I wish I had either a little more motivation or a little less. Because if it were the former then I would have finished my work by now, and if it were the latter I would not have taken it up in the first place… though this used to refer to my ambition, not motivation. There is a strong connection between the two, though one tends to lose track of it when one gets caught up by the mundane and the regular everyday life and then the motivation wanes and sometimes even drops off, and in this day and age distractions abound (Note: I’m sure distraction always existed, not necessarily only now… case in point, I am writing this instead of working!) 

It doesn’t help when I look around me because people all seem to be driven by various motives which somehow seem to have escaped me; whether it is a life event (read: Marriage) or even intrinsic ones. I don’t know what would work, I have been trying to figure out what would work for me, and somehow comparing notes does not help (Note: I suspect that was again a masterful effort to waste time- took up the better part of the morning). I imagine that one day I will suddenly have this urge to work, driven by this wonderful insight that has suddenly dawned on me, or an event which will ensure that my motivation stays and I am able to complete the tasks at hand… Then I will show the world how it is done! Then I will prove to myself that I actually should be here, and that there is a purpose to what I’m doing.

On the other hand, there is a rational part of me that says that I have been watching too many movies and that this doesn’t happen in real life. Real life is about the small routine and boring things that one has to do, like sitting and transcribing all the interviews that have been carried out, and listening to them and then actually analysing them, and not wait for the magical inspiration to suddenly appear and complete the work overnight. It involves small sustained inputs. See, this is the marvellous level of insight that I do possess about what needs to be done, the only problem is that now I need to implement it… easier said than done… as we all know…

So, as I search for this inspiration, this “eureka” moment, as despite the last paragraph I think I live in a fantasy world much more than I would like to believe, I will continue wasting time, until I find that reason, that “push” that I need. Or rather, the push that will work. Because like everyone else, I do have those reasons that say there is something that needs to be done but for some reason they do not seem to work on me. I think I will keep looking for it, though.