of mixed metaphors and missed connections...

I wish I had written this at an earlier time, when I was still in a state when the songs made sense, you know, the ridiculous sappy ones that noone admits to listening to. The ones that you listened to as a teenager dreaming of the future. (Oh well, I admit that I still listen to them once in a while). I also wish I had written in the moments I felt secure, when I thought that what we had would last, when I thought that it made sense and the world was on my side. when I thought I could identify with the songs I heard.

Maybe I was living in a dreamworld. One which actually does not exist. One that is fuelled by those songs and the ridiculous rom-coms we talked of watching together. One in which I dreamt of living out with you. Unfortunately, the dream was not meant to be. Maybe I knew it ultimately would end this way... At the bottom of my heart I knew it wouldn't work maybe. But I had silenced that tiny part and allowed myself to hope and dream. I let myself fall... I let myself go, thinking that we both were soaring together. In my mind we were starting off to a new place together, where "everybody looks like ants".  

The sadness and loss are heart wrenching. The fact that it means I have lost the connection. Where did it go? It just evaporated all of a sudden. I don't know what that means. I have no idea what to say about it. I don't even know what to think about it. The hurt and pain when I realised I was all alone when I thought we were a team. When instead of soaring together, I was holding and dragging you down. Instead of letting you fly, I was your anchor. When I heard the phrases that in fact I had heard in the songs and the movies, but they were the ones directed towards the "wrong" person; the "before" story rather than the "happy-ever-after". I can't understand how to process it.

I know the theory better than anyone. It is never about one person-a relationship always involves two people and how they interact with each other. A relationship involves three entities-the two individuals and the relationship (as someone very wise said to me repeatedly). And the third entity never survives on its own; it cannot flourish independently of the two individuals,  Did we take that for granted? Expecting things to miraculously be okay?

The sad part now is the other songs make sense to me now, and I am not sure how to handle that. I am trying to make sense of the world again. And now the cliches come to my mind instead... "It was good while it lasted", "maybe there's a reason", "when one door closes... "

Well meaning platitudes all. however, does that help me? How do I move on? Allow the cynicism which was always there to overpower or do I continue allowing my rose-coloured glasses to tinge my world?

A Passing Phase?

I have espoused that I believe in phases in life. I know this very well in theory; however, in person this is more difficult. I think that we are constantly searching for permanence, in some way, that is what we are all looking for. Is this what makes it difficult for people to live in the moment? 

And we envy those who live what seem like idyllic lives on the outside. Those who live on beaches, Goa! the ultimate holiday destination in India. but life there must get tough as well. I imagine cleaning up difficult, all that sand everywhere... yeesh! We envy those who live in beautiful remote villages amidst nature, then remember the difficulties they face accessing the things we take for granted, like a carton of milk, or healthcare. 

A little predictable change is a good thing, meaning a vacation we plan for, a trip, a break. I love that oxymoron. Just a little bit of change. Any more than that, and we are very very flustered. That we do not like, because it means getting used to a whole new equilibrium. The process of adjusting to this involves good and bad (My training in The Systems Theory comes to mind, read up on it, people! It's an awesome way to look at the world) Back to my point, we wouldn't like things remaining permanently one way, we enjoy the change, or at least I do. I am not in a position right now to speak for others, I only speak for myself on this one. 

Life would be so boring otherwise, wouldn't it? Without the troughs and the crests.

P.S. I must be approaching a crest to be able to make that statement. 

So, here's to change and moving on to different phases and stages of life. 

Grizabella

I have such random memories; that mall where we first met. The numerous walks to nowhere; when the speed of our walking would be directly proportional to the distance from my door. The conversations we had that I no longer remember, just the look on your face; WhatsApp messages and pictures, Skype conversations to prove you were real.  Travelling around the city to meet me, reading your life story and realising how much you had gone through. Learning about how much you love your family. Seeing your talent, and enjoying the fact that you were sharing it with me. Little nicknames we had for each other. Stolen kisses and walks hand in hand. Working in the same space and stealing looks at each other. Your face lighting up with a smile.

If only it ended there. Or rather continued in the same way… would it be a story we could have shared later on? And built on these small memories that were meaningful to me. But if course, if that were true then I would not be writing this now.  And yet I am.

Why am I doing that?

Because I know myself and I know I am likely to forget the small things and remember only the feeling that I am left with. And sadly, that feeling I am left with is hurt. I want to move on, and hold on to something from what we have shared, and I do not want that feeling I hold on to to be hurt.

I am writing this to remind myself of the good times and the good feelings you brought into my life at a time of severe sadness and loneliness, the time we shared together was meaningful and as I grieve the loss of the relationship, I also rejoice in the positives I got, in the fact that I did something for myself, and for that precious moment of being together.

So, thank you for that, and for the fact that I got through it, showing that … “this too shall pass”.

Views

The bars at the window, through which I can see the light;
The tree outside, unfettered and free.
Beyond that, I can see more walls.

What should I choose to focus on?

"The Rose and the Yew Tree"

I flicked the title from Mary Westmacott. I have always loved those books, Psychologically so insightful, I will not go into a review of the books, but this particular one has always stayed with me. Is the rose worth more than the yew tree...

We appreciate the rose because we know that it will not last. That one rose that is there in the vase will stay for a while, and during that time everyone will appreciate its beauty. What meaning does it bring into someone's life? The short sweet presence of something meaningful versus the strong and long presence of something more long lasting which has more ups and downs. We may take it for granted sometimes, the shade and the succour that the tree provides.

Which is more meaningful? And which stays with you?


Edit: I reread the book and discovered that it's actually a T.S. Eliot quote "The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree are of equal duration"

Listen...

speaking
explaining
shouting
screaming
crying
begging

yet all in vain.

i try and try to no result

i'm forced to realize

and accept that i am an "i" and never an "I"

stark reality

because i am

voiceless


do YOU want to listen...

or do you not even hear me?

Jaiñkyrshah

So, this is the time when I'm supposed to be writing and finishing off work that I have been working on for the past 4.5 years... Instead other thoughts crowd my mind, and as it happens, I start missing home. This feeling may have been triggered by a parcel that reached me from home today, packed by my mom. I also had a conversation with friends about home, and once I started reminiscing about  home, I had to put this down.

When I talk about home to people here, sometimes I wonder if I am overselling the wonders of Shillong. Am I choosing to only talk about the fruits (Soh Phie, Soh Shang, Soh Phlang, Soh Manir...) and how they are easily available, plucking them off the tree in fact... Or am I talking only about the closeness to nature, the fact that I live next, yes, that's right, next to a forest... And my memories of winter holidays spent traipsing through those woods, imagining we were in an Enid Blyton story, climbing trees to get orchids (along with fruits). Or am I choosing to only talk about the 18- hole golf course which is again very close to home where we used to go on morning walks?  Or is my focus on the meats and meals that we have- smoked, salted, boiled, curried... Or the various other local delicacies?

What do I miss? The comforts? The food? The lifestyle?

... thoughts at a window

I am sitting at a cubicle in the library wondering about how I am wasting time, doing what I'm not supposed to, and not doing what I'm supposed to, and wondering how ANYTHING gets done in this world. 

I hear construction work going on through the window, as well as birds cawing... I can hear the movement of some vehicles, as well as conversation in the distance. Here, inside the room, there are at least 20 people working, and all I can hear is the clacking of keys and the occasional turn of a page. A random sigh and dropped pen is also heard. The movement of the fan also counts as a distraction when anything and everything seems more interesting than what I am supposed to be doing. 

Will I ever finish, I wonder, or am I stuck in this "Groundhog Day" like scenario of time looping, and days running into one another... ?

Waiting

Life goes on; that much I know,
Yet it stays the same.
Do things ever change-
Or just continue?

I live in hope-
I can see it in others
All around me...
But can it be translated
Into a language I comprehend?
Or transmitted to a different frequency
That I can receive?

I also live in dread
That the world spins
And it goes on...
And on...
And on...

Signing in....

I have considered myself a feminist for a long while, taking the pains to clarify in my own mind what that means. Many people say they do not agree with the direction that feminism is headed, maybe because they see the visible and the outward expression of such beliefs as women looking for "more power" than men. And in this I include women as well as men. I come from a place where women are considered to have more power than men; in fact there is a "men's liberation" movement that is underfoot from where I come from, and I can understand and see the roots of that movement. This very background that I come from makes it more complicated for me. Maybe I'll talk about that a little later; however I'd just like to put this down that sexism and patriarchy are around us so so much, and so often we do not even realise that it has a hold on us.

This came to me very starkly tonight which is why I decided to put this down. I am living in a hostel in an institute. I have lived in hostels for the past 10 years of my life, in various parts of the country, and each place has had its own regulations that i was expected to follow, which I did. I am by nature a "good girl", I follow rules, listen to authority and sometimes to my own detriment, am unable to assert myself. However, for various reasons, internally I have always believed in the fact that I am no less than anyone else. Everyone tells me different,"You're a girl", "you're from the north east", "You're small"... and so on and so forth. I have had parents who have never let me feel less, and friends who have supported this throughout... That's not to say that I'm foolhardy... no, I'm very careful and can give anyone tips on handling themselves and ensuring that one takes care of oneself...

I'm sorry I digress( Not an unusual situation if you have ever read my blog). Anyway, back to my point... I had to move out of my hostel last year and got alternative accommodation in another hostel on campus. That used to be a co-ed hostel, however when I shifted there along with others, it housed girls and married couples. So a few men, but they were married... now earlier, given that it was a co-ed hostel, anyone could enter it (read=male & female). However, once we shifted there, we were told that we could not have male friends entering. If they were visiting the married couples, then that was fine, however no male was supposed to enter the girls' areas. never mind that these two spaces overlapped. This was however perfectly sensible to the powers that be.

Now back to tonight, I had gone out to visit a friends' place on campus and he dropped me back after i spent the evening with his family. When I entered, I was asked to sign in a register as to the time that I entered the hostel, the time I left, and the reason... This last one flabbergasted me... who decided this was something  I was supposed to share? Why was it relevant at all? Half of the time the people who go out from here are hanging out with other friends who are colleagues on the same campus. The men do NOT have to sign when they return, whatever time they do so. I on the other hand, have to sign in if I'm going for a movie, or a play, or even a work dinner...

What is the point of this? They say for security reasons? How is this register going to help anyone? if something untoward is to happen to anyone, how will this record help? Then it can be said that anyway she was someone who would go out every week? every weekend? every night? That then becomes another way by which the woman is blamed... As always, the onus is on the woman. I have to sign in...Maybe this will make me stay in more often... is this my place, anyway? safely locked up... so that no harm can befall me. 

push or pull?

I’ve been on the lookout for something to drive me and for me to continue working full time on the task at hand. I have been unable to do that, and it begs the question as to what it is that I’m actually searching for. As someone who has been brought up in and subscribe largely to a Christian point of view, there is a wish to know what IS my purpose in life, though I do see it at times. I see that I am in training and I see that there is work for me to do, and I need to get back home; that is the larger picture. I lose sight of it once in a while when I see the numerous small steps that need to be taken in order for me to reach that goal. The motivation for the same fluctuates, and I wonder about what it is that I am actually doing here. I have always said that I wish I had either a little more motivation or a little less. Because if it were the former then I would have finished my work by now, and if it were the latter I would not have taken it up in the first place… though this used to refer to my ambition, not motivation. There is a strong connection between the two, though one tends to lose track of it when one gets caught up by the mundane and the regular everyday life and then the motivation wanes and sometimes even drops off, and in this day and age distractions abound (Note: I’m sure distraction always existed, not necessarily only now… case in point, I am writing this instead of working!) 

It doesn’t help when I look around me because people all seem to be driven by various motives which somehow seem to have escaped me; whether it is a life event (read: Marriage) or even intrinsic ones. I don’t know what would work, I have been trying to figure out what would work for me, and somehow comparing notes does not help (Note: I suspect that was again a masterful effort to waste time- took up the better part of the morning). I imagine that one day I will suddenly have this urge to work, driven by this wonderful insight that has suddenly dawned on me, or an event which will ensure that my motivation stays and I am able to complete the tasks at hand… Then I will show the world how it is done! Then I will prove to myself that I actually should be here, and that there is a purpose to what I’m doing.

On the other hand, there is a rational part of me that says that I have been watching too many movies and that this doesn’t happen in real life. Real life is about the small routine and boring things that one has to do, like sitting and transcribing all the interviews that have been carried out, and listening to them and then actually analysing them, and not wait for the magical inspiration to suddenly appear and complete the work overnight. It involves small sustained inputs. See, this is the marvellous level of insight that I do possess about what needs to be done, the only problem is that now I need to implement it… easier said than done… as we all know…

So, as I search for this inspiration, this “eureka” moment, as despite the last paragraph I think I live in a fantasy world much more than I would like to believe, I will continue wasting time, until I find that reason, that “push” that I need. Or rather, the push that will work. Because like everyone else, I do have those reasons that say there is something that needs to be done but for some reason they do not seem to work on me. I think I will keep looking for it, though.

Super POWERs

So, apparently being able to get into an Institute of National Importance immediately provides one with super powers. I write this so that more people learn about this fact, and accordingly make the efforts in order to enter these hallowed walls and more people can possess these powers as well. If we are able to spread the news about this fact, there are going to be millions who may benefit, and much of the problems we face in the world will be solved....

So, what exactly am I talking about? Let me spell out this little known fact. The ultimate superpower, is that one can survive without eating. "What do you mean?" I can hear the naysayers already. Give me a minute to spell it out for you. This is the information that can be gleaned from an institute which is held in highest repute in the country, possibly the world. This comes from medical professionals who know about the functioning of the most important organ we possess... the brain! Still confused? I'm sorry for being so cryptic, but apparently the lack of food had made me more circumstantial in thought. A natural consequence, you ask? Or is it a function of my joining this institute... another superpower? But I digress. I apologise. let me get back on track.

So, about two months ago, the mess, (ahem) we were subjected to...sorry, members of, closed down in favour of a brand new one! Hurrahs all around, as this was supposed to be cleaner, easier, and going to provide us with better food. [ Also, had just been inaugurated by a Union Minister, so MUST be good!] Well, in an workplace, rumours abound, and despite these esteemed premises, the same is true. Then came a bolt out of the blue! The price for the same was double what we had been paying earlier... Consequence, genuine stupefaction at the situation, and a loss as to what to do. How could people afford to pay one third of their monthly stipend, when there was no guarantee that one would be eating there for all meals? Well, in this state of headless chickens, a few decided to take to the "proper channel" route, as all good and sincere employees are wont to do to bring this point to light. Their reward for this was what they genuinely wanted; a space to express their concerns. However, the response they were subjected to was one which has been compared to very "parliamentary" behaviour. Let me not expand on that, and as you, the readers can make your own inferences.

Now, with my knowledge of systems, once something has been thrown into the mix, there has to be a reaction. This was consciously looked at, and people have reacted calmly, taking this opportunity to come together and get along as a subsystem, looking for strengths in the experience of being with each other, and attempting to get along. Also, as systems tend to, they get into a homeostasis, where this policy of live-and-let-live was the order of the day. Fair enough, one can say? Or not? Again, as an interested member, very difficult to comment. I know that there is no absolute truth and no absolute answer, but I can only say this is my perspective, not apologetically, but clearly and calmly, willing to accept another perspective if I am given one rationally, and taking my intelligence and common sense into consideration.

Ok, so enough background, for me to talk about the superpower? So, we have now reached a status quo for over a month. The new mess has become optional, though a few people have chosen to sample, with not much enthusiasm later on. Now comes the interesting bit, and where my inferences have come from. During this interim period, people have been managing to survive by 1.eating out, 2.making do with stuff that does not require cooking, i.e. bread and so on, as well as that wonderful invention available in cities: 3.home delivery. Now this last one is what I'm going to spend some time on. This involves those wonderful people like the ubiquitous pizza delivery who promises rain or shine to deliver your food within a half hour, or the chinese delivery fellow, or even the food of restaurants catering to local tastebuds- Kerala mess, North Indian mess, Andhra mess, Bengali mess! Such variety of food, which brought to mind thoughts of home-made food, made people nostalgic for home. Okay,okay again I digress, blame the train of thought! Anyway, in the latest installment in this not-so-engrossing-saga, is a new directive that  the last two in the list above are no longer allowed! Meaning that one needs to eat outside one's room for ALL meals. Oh, and this is non negotiatiable, I refuse to go into the details of how this makes sense, but suffice to say that the train of logic is lost on me.

So, I now reiterate the inference I had at the beginning, once one joins this institute, one can function so that one does not require food! Now, I am sure that there are going to be many of you who disagree with me on this inference, but I stand by it vehemently and will vociferously dispute anyone who dares say that it is false!

Oh wait, maybe just because I have said it, noone will dare question it, or the logic behind it...I will NOT take any questions or clarifications on this topic...

Wait again... could it be that the lack of food is interfering with my powers of thought....??

Naah! can't be. 'Coz if that were true, it would make this whole exercise a farce so large that it boggles the mind... Anyway, better not think about that... Let me consider whether it is true that I no longer need food to sustain me...

Or how I can get something to eat as my stomach is now growling........

On a loop

Hate!

Such a strong word,

falls from our lips so easily.

Is present all around us.

Causing pain

Causing hurt

Causing loss.

Loss of material things

as well as self and pride and identity

and mental stability.

When will man learn

That we are all the same

Including what everyone seeks.

When will we accept our differences 

Rather than look for how we are better

These are not new thoughts

Yet noone has the answers

Every new generation

Yearns for peace.

What holds each back

from finding it?

Drive

Mist
Restricting what the eye can see.
Alone
With one's thoughts
Drowning
Out everything else.
Noise
So loud in my head

Yet
Noone else can hear it!
Silence.
Darkness.
Alone.
Through clouds.
Is there a way out?

A wedding in May...

They were certainly an eventful three days. The main- actually, only- reason we were there at all was to celebrate M's wedding. Something we had looked forward to for a while now, since she informed us of the plans and the confirmation of the date. I had received the invite a few weeks earlier, though tickets had been booked a month in advance. The travel plans were made, and we were gonna meet up after 3 years apart. As a group, we had gotten close since we had all studied our Masters together. Our time together certainly brought us close, and this remained despite the distance that life had put in between us,with only fleeting visits and phone calls to each other. M and i were travelling together; and P was arriving on the same day to Gau. the only sad part about the whole thing was that K wouldn't be able to make it, making what would have been our first complete reunion incomplete.

Day 1!

M and i were up since 4 :30, she had struggled close to half an hour to wake me up, finally succeeding, and we made our way to the airport. She was leaving Bangalore for good, and this meant taking all of her belongings with her, but we managed to get through security without having to pay,carrying some three pieces of hand luggage each. After a four hour flight, we finally landed in balmy Gauhati (33 degrees , the airhostess informed us), and went to M's house directly, her brother picking us up and M driving us the rest of the way home. I managed to snooze for a few mins as well, curling up on the front seat (advantage: my size!) and leaving M to handle all of the pesky pedestrians, reckless rickshaws and the like. We made it back comfortably, in one piece, and went up to M's house on the 4th floor of her apartment building, and she informed me it was the first such complex in the area, though there were quite a few coming up around that place now.
We went up, and entered her house. Even at first glance, it looked like a house which had been decorated with a very fine eye. Delicate lace curtains as well as matching thicker curtains, green, and red, and purple! M's room looks like the ideal room that all teenage girls would have wanted to grow up in, big bed, dressing table, pictures all around, and loads of space for books, with a view which though now was filling up with other apartment complexes must have been much nicer a few years ago. Anyway, back to our activities; Aunty had prepared a lovely lunch which we wolfed down, having not eaten anything else the entire day. The only problem at this time was the fact that there was no electricity; apparently there had been a massive storm the past week sometime, and there was no power in the entire state!
M and i, in the meantime learnt that P had also arrived , and  was already out shopping somewhere! Mu had sent a car to pick us up, and after spending time getting ready, we went to the first event of the wedding- the Bachelorette Party! :) That's when we saw the lovely bride... I hadn't seen her in a year, and she was glowing! A few of her friends were already there, and after a few mins the rest arrived including her sister and darling-est neice Maya! It was a few hours of laughter, fun, getting together, catching up and meeting new people, good food, drink, in AC comfort, and of course girl-talk! I'm sorry, the most important thing I have left for the last-but never the least- taking pictures! :D The house we were in was located on the 6th floor of a building overlooking the glorious Brahmaputra, and we were able to enjoy the wonderful sight of the sun setting over the water. It was idyllic... all the more because of the company around. With Maya running around giving all of us hugs around the legs, and the chatter and comfort, all exhaustion slipped away. Games and gifts came next with more laughter and congratulations all around. Then in a slight twist to the Bachelorette Party, the groom and his friends made their appearance, and the celebrations continued in greater proportions- out came the cake with fancy candles, and more greeting new people.
We then move on to the next event, immediately after the party was ... another one! This time the mehendi. We, M, P, and I went back to change and then made our way to Mu's house for the next event. There, at her home, we met the family in full force, her parents most importantly, calmly handling the fact that there was no electricity and the house was full of people moving up and down. The cousins and neighbours in full-force all being a part of painting their hands with mehendi making fanciful and pretty patterns on hands; the bride of course, again at the centre of it all, yet still managing to focus on everyone to make sure they were comfortable. Truly one of the nicest persons I know! After this, we had sumptuous dinner home cooked and simple which tasted so good! End of day 1 when M drove us back home. Ah! Blessed sleep

Day 2!

It was the day of the Jurun, when the bride would be welcomed into the groom's family. Am not very sure of the exact significance, but this is when the women of groom's family come with gifts to the bride. We were there with the bride, of course, taking more photos of this vision in a peach mekhala, this girl with whom we had lounged around with in sweat shirts now looking very much a woman who was taking a step in moving forward with her life with the person she had chosen. From the moment they came to invite her from her room, to all the gifts they were giving her, emotions were close to the surface. Blessing asked for and given, the rest of the family and well wishers around her watching this Assamese tradition of welcome with not only clothes and jewellery but also food, and of course the paan. With camera flashes all the time, one would have well thought there was a celebrity there, and didn't she look like one! With her sweet smile present throughout, and sometimes tears showing her emotions, surrounded by friends and family, her beauty shone. Ok, are my emotions colouring my view? Nope, I think it was true, she looked amazing!  We then had more  mouth watering food, especially fish! Too many details? Sorry! but it needs a  mention :)

Next event of the day was the Sangeet, later in the evening. We again got ready for the event, after some rest, though the electricity had again gone off! It was an event, just outside the home, small with close friends and family. Young singers and dancers- Mu's cousins, a trained singer, folk songs and dances by the women  as well as dance and again, pictures make this close intimate time a wonderful event. Another home cooked meal of simple food completed a full day, and now we only had the main event to look forward to! With reminders to the bride to look after herself, and get enough sleep, we left the family home where she would spend her last night as a single girl.

Day 3!

Mu had other events during the day that had to be completed- which we skipped. We spent the day in Guwahati, exploring a few spots before making our way to a coffee shop, mainly to sit in an a/c environment! Once we felt better, we then went back to M's home, and were relaxing there when there suddenly were tremors! Though I had grown up in Shillong and there earthquakes are so common one does not think twice, this was a bad one... We were on the 4th floor of an apartment complex which was swaying dangerously; three girls alone in the house, each terrified. It lasted for quite a long time, and we then we realized the things we had done which, ahem, will not be put down here. Anyway, it did take some time for us to recover, and once we did had to prepare for the wedding! M's mom and brothers were going with us for the wedding, and we all got ready and finally made it to the bride's reception. There, we saw Mu on her seat greeting guests who came to bless and wish her, by now surrounded by gifts. Her friends were with her during this time, and she was looking comfortable in her role of wishing people, posing for pictures, handling the little children who ran up and down playing. We then waited for the bride's reception to wind down, and awaited the groom's arrival. Once it was time, the bride left the stage to change into the white and gold mekhala given to her the previous day at the Jurun.

The groom came; with fireworks and a band which was so full of energy that people around joined in the dancing which continued for a long time while the groom was in the car, while the women of the bride's family tried to tease him. When he finally entered the hall, it was to complete some rituals along with Mu's father. In the meantime, Mu was in the green room, changed into her wedding clothes. We saw her, again, beautiful bride all dressed up, and again emotions charged up high, as she hugged her mother who would not attend the wedding ceremony itself. A touching moment which made us all tear up as we saw a moment of pure human emotion.  She then went out, to add another layer to her identity, that of a wife, daughter-in-law.

That was the end of the three days we had taken out of our regular lives to attend a wedding- where family was paramount, not just family we are born with, but family we choose along the way-the friends who help us become who we are. It was a beautiful wedding; and only the beginning of, I am sure, a journey of togetherness, through all of life's ups and downs. I wish with all my heart, the very best for two wonderful people, Mu and C.

Babel

I am lost 

In language unknown

yet familiar

Phrases heard

Yet are incomprehensible

to me

Words
Emplasizing people's thoughts
emotions

I wonder
About how universal some things
are

Though
I do not understand,
I do

Shillong

O Shillong!

I lament what you have become

Your childhood long gone

The days of Laban, not even a memory-

A few houses, a market place,

A leisurely time chewing kwai.

Reknowned for learning, cleanliness, calmness.

O Shillong!

You've grown beyond that to a young adult-

Rebellious, forgetting the the ways of old.

Wishing to learn only through harsh experience,

Never through observation.

O Shillong!

Grown too fast for where you should be.

I cry in anguish for what you are;

A place I call home, yet when

I return to you, I see a change

So drastic it makes my heart ache.

O Shillong!

Waters where horses used to run

Now choked with plastic.

Verdant hills now only show colours of man's work

Concrete concrete concrete!

O Shillong!

The only place I call home

Yet i wish I could change.

Led by people who cannot see beyond today

And let down by all of your citizens who

Proudly claim you to be theirs

Yet do nothing to maintain the charm of your past.

If you could but tell us of times gone by,

How much more we must cry 

And convict ourselves 

For our inaction and passivity

We, who have let slip through our fingers 

-And let become just another city-

The wonder of what was 

The Scotland of the East.

stung

once bitten

i wonder when will

the pain reduce

so that i can

see clearly

and try again

Alliance

A human connect
Someone to talk to
Is it enough?

Understanding
Empathy
A listening ear
Is that all one needs?

A substitute for....what?

contradiction

i want to be able

to move to a place 

where i can be.

that part of me
i need to find
what will help me
reach that point?

time,
i have been told
is what can help.

but time makes me forget
and that is what i do not want.