I wish I had written this at an earlier time, when I was still in a state when the songs made sense, you know, the ridiculous sappy ones that noone admits to listening to. The ones that you listened to as a teenager dreaming of the future. (Oh well, I admit that I still listen to them once in a while). I also wish I had written in the moments I felt secure, when I thought that what we had would last, when I thought that it made sense and the world was on my side. when I thought I could identify with the songs I heard.
Maybe I was living in a dreamworld. One which actually does not exist. One that is fuelled by those songs and the ridiculous rom-coms we talked of watching together. One in which I dreamt of living out with you. Unfortunately, the dream was not meant to be. Maybe I knew it ultimately would end this way... At the bottom of my heart I knew it wouldn't work maybe. But I had silenced that tiny part and allowed myself to hope and dream. I let myself fall... I let myself go, thinking that we both were soaring together. In my mind we were starting off to a new place together, where "everybody looks like ants".
The sadness and loss are heart wrenching. The fact that it means I have lost the connection. Where did it go? It just evaporated all of a sudden. I don't know what that means. I have no idea what to say about it. I don't even know what to think about it. The hurt and pain when I realised I was all alone when I thought we were a team. When instead of soaring together, I was holding and dragging you down. Instead of letting you fly, I was your anchor. When I heard the phrases that in fact I had heard in the songs and the movies, but they were the ones directed towards the "wrong" person; the "before" story rather than the "happy-ever-after". I can't understand how to process it.
I know the theory better than anyone. It is never about one person-a relationship always involves two people and how they interact with each other. A relationship involves three entities-the two individuals and the relationship (as someone very wise said to me repeatedly). And the third entity never survives on its own; it cannot flourish independently of the two individuals, Did we take that for granted? Expecting things to miraculously be okay?
The sad part now is the other songs make sense to me now, and I am not sure how to handle that. I am trying to make sense of the world again. And now the cliches come to my mind instead... "It was good while it lasted", "maybe there's a reason", "when one door closes... "
Well meaning platitudes all. however, does that help me? How do I move on? Allow the cynicism which was always there to overpower or do I continue allowing my rose-coloured glasses to tinge my world?
Maybe I was living in a dreamworld. One which actually does not exist. One that is fuelled by those songs and the ridiculous rom-coms we talked of watching together. One in which I dreamt of living out with you. Unfortunately, the dream was not meant to be. Maybe I knew it ultimately would end this way... At the bottom of my heart I knew it wouldn't work maybe. But I had silenced that tiny part and allowed myself to hope and dream. I let myself fall... I let myself go, thinking that we both were soaring together. In my mind we were starting off to a new place together, where "everybody looks like ants".
The sadness and loss are heart wrenching. The fact that it means I have lost the connection. Where did it go? It just evaporated all of a sudden. I don't know what that means. I have no idea what to say about it. I don't even know what to think about it. The hurt and pain when I realised I was all alone when I thought we were a team. When instead of soaring together, I was holding and dragging you down. Instead of letting you fly, I was your anchor. When I heard the phrases that in fact I had heard in the songs and the movies, but they were the ones directed towards the "wrong" person; the "before" story rather than the "happy-ever-after". I can't understand how to process it.
I know the theory better than anyone. It is never about one person-a relationship always involves two people and how they interact with each other. A relationship involves three entities-the two individuals and the relationship (as someone very wise said to me repeatedly). And the third entity never survives on its own; it cannot flourish independently of the two individuals, Did we take that for granted? Expecting things to miraculously be okay?
The sad part now is the other songs make sense to me now, and I am not sure how to handle that. I am trying to make sense of the world again. And now the cliches come to my mind instead... "It was good while it lasted", "maybe there's a reason", "when one door closes... "
Well meaning platitudes all. however, does that help me? How do I move on? Allow the cynicism which was always there to overpower or do I continue allowing my rose-coloured glasses to tinge my world?
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